Pinoy Stupid!

“Hello?”
“Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and

shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?”

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last

week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool?

Is this
486-5731?”

No, this is 486-5713…..

Sorry wrong number

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1. Parlor in San Juan is named ‘Cut & Face’.

2. Wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: ‘Starducks’.

3. Fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: ‘Violybee’

4. Internet cafe opened among squatters named ‘café Pindot’.

5. In Manila , there’s a laundry named, ‘Summa Cum Laundry’.

6. Petshop in Ortigas: ‘Pussies and Bitches’.

7. A pet shop in Kamuning: ‘Pakita Mo Pet Mo’.

8. Bakery: ‘Bread Pit’.

9. Bank in Alabang: ‘Alabank’.

10. Restaurant in Pampanga named, ‘Mekeni Rogers’.

11. Restaurant in Pasig : ‘Johnny’s Fried Chicken: The ‘Fried’ of Marikina ‘.

12. A boxing gym: ‘Blow Jab’.

13. A tombstone maker in Antipolo: ‘Lito Lapida’.

14. A copy center in Sikatuna Village called ‘Pakopya ni Edgar’.

15. A beerhouse in Cavite called, ‘Chickpoint’ .

16. Laundromat in Sikatuna: ‘ Star Wash : Attack of the Clothes’.

17. Internet cafe in Taguig named, ‘n@kopi@’.

18. Name of a kambingan, ‘Sa Goat Kita’.

19. A salon somewhere, ‘Curl Up And Dye’.

20. A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: ‘Gee Congee’.

21. A water refilling station in Dapitan named ‘Wa-Thirst’.

22. A store selling feeds for chickens: ‘Robocock’.

23. Shoe repair in Marikina : ‘Dr. Shoe-Bago’.

24. Shoe repair store along Commonwealth, ‘SHOEPERMAN: we will HEEL you, save your SOLE, and even DYE for you’.

25. Petshop: ‘Petness First’

26. Flower shop: ‘Susan’s Roses’.

27. Taxicab: ‘Income Taxi’.

28. A 2nd hand watch store: ‘2nd Time Around’.

29. A squid stall in a wet market: ‘Pusit to the Limit’.

30. A shrimp store: ‘Hipon Coming Back’.

31. A gay lawyer’s extension office: ‘ Nota Republic ‘.

32. A ceiling installer: ‘ Kisame Street ‘.

33. A car repair shop: ‘Bangga ka ‘day?’

34. An aquatic pet store in Malolos: ‘Fish Be With You’.

35. A fishball cart named, ‘Poke Poke’.

36. A beauty salon: ‘Saudia Hairlines’.

37. A bakery: ‘Anak Ng Tinapay’.

38. A resto along Mayon road in Manila : ‘May Lisa Eatery’.

39. Laundry shop: ‘Wash Your Problem’.

40. This mobile massage business name isn’t funny, but their slogan is: ‘Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is watching’.

41. Ice cream parlor: ‘Dila Lang Ang Katapat’.

42. Chicharon store: ‘Chicha Hut’.

43. Neighborhood pizza store: ‘Pizza Hot’.

44. A fishball cart near UST: ‘Eat My Balls’.

45. A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: ‘Pinoy Big Barber’.

46. A Resto: ‘The Last Supper’.

47. A goto resto: ‘Goto Ko Pa!’

48. A peanut vendor’s cart with a funny name: ‘Mani ni Papa’.

49. A gym in Malolos: ‘ Gaymann Fitness Center ‘.

50. My brother’s party needs business: ‘Balloon-Balloonan’ .

51. A Chinese restaurant in Pasig : ‘Lah-Fang’.

52. A store selling fresh chicken, owned by woman named Dina: ‘Dina Fresh Chicken’.

53. Panaderia: ‘Trimonay Bakeshop’.

54. Salon: ‘Hair Dot Comb’.

55. Signage on a restaurant: ‘We are open 25 hrs. a day – no lunch/dinner breaks!’

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1. Ano!? Yan lang di niyo pa kayang gawin at iuutos niyo pa sa akin?
2. Hellooo! Gawin niyo na iyan no para naman huwag niyong
makalimutan
kung paano mag-isip.
3. Sir, makinig kaya kayo sa akin!? Pwede?
4. Puwede ba, busy ako? Mamaya na po yan.
5. Gumawa kayo ng sarili niyong presentation!
6. If challenges are more important than financial rewards, then why

don’t you just trade in your salary for my challenges?
7. Pwede pong paki-decide kung alin sa 10 inutos niyo sakin
ngayon
ang talagang urgent?
8. Absent po ako today. Wala lang, ayaw ko po kayong makita eh…
9. Pwede bang mag-all expense paid na vacation? Sige na naman,
pagod
na pagod na po ako eh.
10. Sir, bili niyo naman akong yosi. Sige na! Sa inyo na lang
po
yung sukli.
11. Uwi na po ako ha. Bahala na kayo dito sa opis..
12. Sir, pwede po bang taasan ang sweldo ko? Ang hirap kasi ng
trabaho
ko eh, ang pakisamahan kayo!
13. Mag-reduce naman po kayo! Mukha na kayong balyena eh.
14. Bakit po pag kami walang ginagawa pinapagalitan niyo kami? Pero

bakit pag kayo ok lang?
15. Akala niyo ba magaling kayo? Wala lang silang mapiling iba
kaya
kayo nilagay diyan sa pwestong yan!
16. Ma’am, ang bait niyo po talaga. Sanakunin na kayo ni Lord.
17. And it is with utmost sincerity that I wish you the best
of
luck spending the rest of your afterlife rotting in hell at Satan’s
side
where you belong.
18. Kung totoong nag-client call kayo patingin ng service report
niyo!
19. Sagutin niyo naman yung telepono. A little exercise won’t hurt.
20. Sige, gagawin ko po ito. Pero pagtimpla niyo ko ng kape.
21. Shut up when I’m talking to you!
22. Kayo itong may pa-kotse tapos ako uutusan niyo pumunta sa
meeting? Ano
kayo, hilo!??
23. Ano?!! Di niyo alam mag-print? Sayang ang laptop niyo ma’am.
24. Sir aminin niyo na po, nagpapa-cute lang kayo sa client.
Kunyari
pa kayo na binebentahan niyo siya.
25. Ang ganda ng resulta ng pagkaka-plastic surgery niyo, banat na
banat! Lalo tuloy kayo pinagtatawanan eh.
26. If you really think it’s that important, di kayo gumawa.
27. Sir, palit tayong sweldo!
28. Ang sarap po siguro ng trabaho niyo no? Biro niyo utos lang
kayo
ng utos samin. Ang laki pa ng sweldo!
29. Gusto niyo mag-trabaho naman for a change?
30. Do my work over the weekend?!?! At baket!? Sino kayo para utusan
ako?
31. Ngayon na due ito? Eh di kayo gumawa!
32. Can’t you see I’m goddamn busy?
33. If you need me, bukas na lang. May date po ako ngayon eh.
34. Asus!! Mage-edit lang hindi pa kaya! Kayo na lang ang
mag-edit
para hindi sayang sa oras.
35. Sir, tinatamad po akong pumasok ngayon e. Sa bahay na lang
po
ako mag-iinternet at mage-games, ala pang gastos.
36. Huli kayo! Nanonood din pala kayo ng VCD ha!
37. Sir, lahat po ng kelangan niyo nandyan na. Kelangan niyo
lang
po tingnan mabuti!
38. Tsk tsk tsk, yan na nga ba sinasabi ko e. Ayaw niyo kasi makinig
sakin.
39. Pwede bang sakin na lang position niyo?
40. Nagtataka talaga ako kung bakit napunta kayo sa puwestong yan.
41. Hay naku, sa dinami-dami naman ng pwedeng maging boss, bakit
kayo
pa ang napunta sakin!
42. Basahin niyo muna ang lahat ng email messages niyo bago niyo
sabihin
na hindi ko pa nagagawa yung pinagawa niyo.
43. Magre-resign na po ako. Hindi ko na po talaga kayo kayang tiisin
eh.
44. Hindi po Inday ang pangalan ko, kaya wag po ninyo akong utusan.
45. Hindi po bottomless pit ang MS Outlook Inbox mo. Talagang
titirik
ang PC niyo kung hindi kayo magde-delete ng email!
46. Kabit nyo po ba yung prinomote mo?
47. Aah, sir, crush niyo ba ko? Yung seryoso? Lagi niyo na lang
po
kasi akong inuutusan eh.
48. Why do you keep on doing this to me? Do you feel threatened
by
my genius?
49. Boss, VCD o, bold! (Greenhills Virramall style)
50. Daddy, Monday ngayon. Yung baon ko!?
51. Bukas ko na lang po gagawin yung pinagagawa niyo ha? Maglalaro pa
ko
ng Counter Strike eh.
52. Pwede ba tigilan niyo ko?
53. Kasama ba sa job description ko to?
54. If I do what you tell me to, will this change the world?
55. I’m not sure if it’s your good looks, your family connection
or
your charming disposition kaya ka andyan sa puwesto mo. But I’m
definitely sure it has nothing to do with your intellect.
56. Okay lang umabsent kayo. It does not really matter. Mas maaga pa
kaming makakapag-lunch.
57. Ang OA niyo naman. Kino-complicate niyo pa ang mga simpleng
problema para lang magmukha kayong may alam.
58. You’re just insecure. Palibhasa, deep down you know you don’t
deserve to be the boss of someone whose brilliance you can only dream
of!
59. Sir naman, hindi naman po lahat ng tao kasing bobo niyo.
60. Karapatan ko nang umuwi pagpatak ng 5pm, 8 hours lang ang
binabayaran sa akin eh! Karapatan ko ring mag-absent! At karapatan
kong
ring masulit ang 1 hour lunch break ko!
61. Ma’am huwag na po kayong mag-english. Lalo lang pong nagiging
obvious ang pagiging tanga niyo.
62. Sir ano ba!? Lagi na lang ba kayong magre-request ng blow job
sakin!!?? (In a really loud voice)
63. Sa tono ng pananalita niyo parang naiintindihan ninyo ang
pinag-uusapan namin ah.
64. Sanapo pwede ko rin kayong i-evaluate no? Sigurado lagi kayong
bagsak sakin.
65. Kung ano man po ang kasalanan ko ay kasalanan niyo rin. Boss
ko
kayo eh.
66. Maglinis naman po kayo ng table niyo.
67. Hoy! Ikaw, halika nga rito at tulungan mo ko!
68. Saang planeta po ba kayo nanggaling at hindi ninyo alam ito?
69. Ano naman ang mapapala ko kung gagawin ko to?
70. Inaantok ako. Tulog po muna ko ha?
71. Bakit ganyan po kayo magsalita? Napo-possess ba kayo ng
masamang ispirito?
72. Sir, umabsent naman po kayo paminsan-minsan. Masaya po kasi ang
buong office pag wala kayo eh.
73. Huwag nga kayong makialam samin!
74. Kelan kaya kayo mapapalitan bilang boss namin?
75. Aha!!! Sir bakit kayo naglalaro ng games!? Bawal yan ah!

written by

A beautiful woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!” This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just …………. wait for the police…”

*****

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Flowers.” “That’s right!” the boy said, “But, how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is.?A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”?

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!” SURPRISE!

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1) NAP GUTIERREZ INTERVIEWING MANILYN REYNES IN MOVIE MAGAZINE
NAP: Saan ka movie outfit nakakontrata?
MANILYN: So far, hindi ko naman pinoproblema ang mga wardrobes ko kasi
ex-deal naman eh.

***
2) JULIE YAP DAZA GUESTING ON VILMA!
JULIE: O Vi nag-guest na ko dito sa show. Ikaw, kailan ka naman
mag-ge-guest
sa show ko?
VILMA: Alam mo naman Tita Julie, busy kami ni Ralph sa pag-a-arrange ng
kasal namin. Siguro pagkatapos na lang ng marriage!

***
3) Ang ganda ng gospel number na yon, napaka-enlightening. Teka magpupunas
lang ako, I’m sweatening.
VILMA SANTOS

***
4) Thank you, Lucky for the flowers. Where did they came from?
VILMA SANTOS (ulit!)
***

5) Salamat po sa Board of Judges. Ito na ho yata ang pinakamaligaya kong
pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat.
MELANIE MARQUEZ’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNING BEST ACTRESS IN A METRO
FILMFEST
***

6) Sa tingin ko ang pinaka-asset ko sa mukha ko ay ugali. Mabait kasi ako
eh.
MR. POGI CONTESTANT’S ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:
ANO SA MUKHA MO ANG PINAKA-ASSET MO?

***
7) Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Ma. Rosario Liboon, I come
from the beautiful city of Pangasinan…City!
SHE’S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT

*** Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Carmelita Hernandez, I come
from Pasay City and I want to be a medicine!
ANOTHER SHE’S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT

***
9) BOY A: O Melanie, do you have any message to your mother-in-law in case
nanonood siya ngayon!
MELANIE: You know what Kuya Boy, I have to speak in English because she
cannot understand Tagalog. (To camera:) You know what Mrs. Dee, I’ve long
been wanting to tell you this… Ang labo mo!

***
10) Excuse me, it’s not my fault anymore. It’s your fault anymore!
VILMA SANTOS (na naman! naman…)

***
11) CHARLIE ARCEO: EXKYUSH me, Ate LUDSH, I have a QUESHTION to ISHNOOKY.
ISHNOOKY,GUSHTO ko lang SHANANG itanong….
SNOOKY: (SUMINGIT BEFORE CHARLIE COMPLETES HIS QUESTION) Excuse me Charlie,
pero puwede bang isulat mo na lang para malinaw?

***
12) OVERHEARD FROM A GIRL NA GALIT SA KARARATING NA BOYFRIEND SA STARBUCKS.
GIRL: My God you’re so late. Where did you… Where have you …Where do
you…saan ka ba galing???
***

13) DESSA AFTER SINGING A SPOT NUMBER IN A REGINE VELASQUEZ CONCERT.
DESSA APPARENTLY SANG A VERY VOCALLY CHALLENGING SONG AND AS EXPECTED,
ENDED
IT WITH A THROAT BREAKING NOTE.
REGINE ENTERS.
DESSA: O kala mo ikaw lang ang mataas ang boses. Kaya mo yun?
REGINE: Eh ano ngayon, maganda ka ba?

***
14) Sana po’y panoorin natin ang “The Life Story Of Julie Vega”. Alam kong
masaya si Julie ngayon dahil it’s just around the corner.
NADIA MONTENEGRO

***
15) I am not an addict. I am the victims!
MELANIE MARQUEZ (nakikipagkompetensya kay Ate Vi sa padamihan ha!)

***
16) HOST: Ano ba ang pinaka-favorite mong movie lately, Melanie?
Melanie: Maganda yung kay Emma Thompson at Kate Winslet, yung “Simple and
Simplicity”.
(WALA TALAGANG PAGOD!)

***
17) Magandang Tanghali po, ako po si Luzviminda Cortez mula sa Camarines
Sur, sumalangit na po ang inyong kaluluwa!
MISS GAY PHILIPPINES CANDIDATE

***
18) Ladies and gentlemen let’s all welcome Miss Sheryl Cruz!
MARTIN NIEVERA PRESENTING RUFFA GUTIERREZ WITH THIS INTRO ON MARTIN AFTER
DARK

***

19) BB. PILIPINAS PAGEANT NIGHT

HOST: If you only had one of the five senses,
what would you want to have?
CANDIDATE: Uhm… the sense of sight.
HOST: And why is that?
CANDIDATE: Uhm, because…because I have beautiful eyes.
***

20) BB. PILIPINAS PAGEANT NIGHT

HOST: So you live not far from here. So, how did you come here?
Did you walk or did you ride?
CANDIDATE: Um, of course “did you ride.”
***
21) Ladies and gentlemen, take it away with Miss Jean Saburat!
JOE QUIRINO PRESENTING JEAN SABURIT WITH THIS INTRO ON SEEING STARS WITH JQ

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